At Bucs Game, Vinny’s Social Distancing Hot Dog Stand Devolves Into Ketchup Feud
You’re one of 12 people on Earth given a ticket to attend the Tampa Bay Buccaneers home opener in September 2020. No one is in the stands watching the game. All 12 stand in line at the hot dog stand.
You notice every person in line sports two, three, and in some cases four stupid-looking bandanas covering their faces. You can’t tell what sex they are unless you study their chests and hips, and sometimes even that doesn’t clarify.
You stand ten feet apart per NFL guidelines drawn up by Roger Goodell, who recently spent a few days in the Daytona Beach clink for smoking weed with Ricky Williams.
“I’ll have a dog with sauerkraut,” you say.
Vinny the Vendor chucks you a frankfurter from distance. The kraut flies into the air and some lands on your Sammy Sportface-bandana-laced face. A dozen or more droplets splatter on your Gisele Bundchen, light blue bikini T-shirt you bought on sale at Dick’s Sporting Goods the day before.
“Damn, dude, why did you throw me the dog?”
“Social distancing, dude,” said Vinny. “Next in line.”
Disconcerted by Vinny’s attitude but still jones-ing for your dog, you walk over to the ketchup stand. You are careful not to talk with anyone or be near them because that would be fun and engaging and going to NFL games is no longer about that. The dude in front of you, Kerry Ketchup, stands ten feet away spraying ketchup on his dog.
“Dude, you don’t have to stay 10 feet away from your own dog,” you say. “It’s only other people.”
He turns around and sprays the ketchup on you like someone in a horror movie splattering blood indiscriminately.
“Get the hell away from me,” said Kerry. “Don’t you understand social distancing?”
“Dude, don’t you listen to Dr. Fauci? He says it’s fine to get near your own hot dog to put ketchup on it. It’s only other peoples’ dogs you need to be concerned about.”
You notice Kerry’s bandana looks odd.
“Is your bandana an image of you spraying ketchup on people at an NFL social distancing home opener? What kind of a creep are you?”
Ricky Williams walks right up to within a foot of you.
“Ricky, don’t you understand social distancing? You’re too close to me.”
“I’m stoned, dude. What’s social distancing? Is that a new type of cannabis?”
Ricky walks up to Kerry.
“Get away from me. Don’t you get social distancing?”
“Not me, dude. I get high.”
Kerry sprays Ricky’s face with the blood-like condiment.
“Oh, dude, spray me some more. That feels good.”
Gronk shows up in his thong.
“Spray that ketchup on my thong, Kerry Ketchup.”
Kerry sprays. Gronk looks pleased and yet a little sheepish. The people standing in line for dogs have all lost interest in orderings dogs. They’re rubbernecking this scene at the ketchup stand.
Everybody keeps their social distance except Ricky who views this like a refreshing rain shower on a boiling hot summer day in Tampa Bay.
You grab the French’s mustard and start spraying Kerry Ketchup from ten feet away. None of it lands but you feel proud of yourself for seeking revenge.
“Dude, it’s hard to hit you from 10 feet away,” you say. “Come closer so I can splurt this ketchup in your eyes. But don’t touch your eyes afterward.”
“Spray that cat soup all over me,” says Ricky.
Ricky is oblivious to social distancing rules. His shirt, face, and chest are drenched in mustard and ketchup. He strolls to the front of the hot dog line two feet away from Vinny.
Overcome by the munchies, Ricky orders 8 dogs for himself. The other people in line, who are 10 feet apart, grow infuriated.
“How come that guy with all the mustard and ketchup on him gets to cut us in line and stand only two feet away from Vinny?”
“He’s stoned,” you say. “He’s Ricky Williams. He doesn’t play by society’s rules. He was a star running back in the NFL and quit to go smoke pot in Timbuktu.”
“How do you know?”
“I’m Sammy Sportface. I went on a car and air balloon trip with Ricky recently.”
Vinny gets ticked but also feels playful.
“Stand back feet, Ricky,” he said. “I’ll throw your eight dogs to you all at once. See if you can catch all of them. You were once an athlete. I bet you can catch at least three. The five that go on the ground will be yours to enjoy also.”
“Cool dude, but be sure to pour extra ketchup and mustard so when the dogs fly through the air I get lots of condiments on my clothes. It will add to the current ketchup and mustard designs I’m creating during this social distancing hot dog trip. It’s my new wardrobe trend.”
Everybody in line grows impatient. They all simultaneously feel an overwhelming desire to smoke dope. While holding his eight dogs, he rolls eight joints and passes one to each person in line. Incredible that Ricky.
They all get high. Vinny notices a new trend. His customers start ordering at least four dogs for themselves. Business is back. The economy is rolling again.
“Let’s have a condiment shower,” said Ricky. “And then a condiment bubble bath.”
Everybody grabs all the ketchup, mustard, and sauerkraut. They start spraying each others’ facemasks and stuffing each other’s hot dogs down each others’ throats. Social distancing becomes ancient history.
Vinny comes out of his hot dog stand in a ketchup-colored thong and starts breakdancing with Gronk.
“Wait,” says Gronk. “I’m supposed to be on the field catching passes for Tom Brady.”
To be continued…